Season 1 - Recaps

We open the show with that famous pussy (no, not Sharon Stone in Indecent Exposure) – Leo the MGM lion of course! Anyway…


As we are serenaded by Marianne Faithful telling us we have “so much more love left to give” (indeed, for most of us it goes to Bette and Tina) we are shown shots of the little lesbian playground that is LA. It looks like a positive paradise of lesbian lovin’ with all it palm trees and perfect, shiny little houses.


First we meet a guy…A GUY??!!...In a show about lesbians…surely not! And so we meet Tim Haspel for the first time.


Next, we see two women in asleep in bed…FINALLY!...I knew there was women in this show somewhere! And so the love affair with the audience begins – yes, it’s that girl from Flashdance canoodling with that girl from “The Incredibly True Adventures…”


We see Tim sniffing shirts to see which smells the cleanest *unimpressed* and running out the door.


Meanwhile a gorgeous blonde tells us (and Bette! – her equally gorgeous lover) that she is ovulating. And so we have our first couple – Bette Porter and Tina Kennard! *Happy Dance!* They kiss passionately and Bette says the immortal words “Let’s make a baby” – yes, Jennifer Beals…we ALL want to make a baby with you!


We learn that Bette and Tina live next door to Tim and our girls wish him luck…I assume this luck is to make sure he stays longer that the original guy casted to play Tim...*grin*



Next we enter a quaint little café, The Planet, where we meet Shane McCutcheon (who doesn’t talk before her morning coffee), Alice Pieszecki - the “journalist type”, Dana Fairbanks - “the sporty one” and Marina Ferrer – the “foreign one”…I did not realise we were at a Spice Girls reunion!


Shane leaves, Bette and Tina enter – and so we see our girls in their (almost!) entirety. They wish each other “good morning” (my, my, everyone in LA is trés friendly!) and Bette leaves, kissing Tina as she goes.


Tina, Alice and Dana all sit eating fruit (this is Hollywood after all) and we learn the “insemination” is today. We find out that Bette and Tina are seeing Dan Foxworthy “the shrink to the stars!” for a relationship check up, despite having “the best relationship” of anyone Dana knows…gay or straight. Alice is totally a Gossip Girl (xoxo) and of course “the intellectual of life” and Dana seemingly needs to buy a clue.


We zip over to see Tim meeting his girlfriend who is moving to LA. Ladies and gents, I give you our mid-west gal, Jenny Schecter.


Tina is waiting patiently for Bette’s arrival at Dr. Dan’s. Tina kindly lets us in on the fact that Bette is the director of the California Arts Centre, which explains why Bette enters in one of her infamous power suits (Go “Power Suit Porter”, Go!) and surgically attached to her hands-free.


Dr. Dan wants to talk about Bette and Tina’s reasons for having a baby when their sex life has been shitty for almost 3 years…Oh God! Panic! We are never going to see any lesbian sex!! Tina explains they’ve been together for 7 years (aww!) and it’s not like they never have sex. Bette doesn’t think a straight male therapist can understand a lesbian relationship, but is shot down in flames when Dr. Dan describes the “lesbian urge to merge.”




They don’t reschedule another appointment despite Dr. Dan wanting to talk more about the insemination. Tina is having none of it…it’s not up for discussion! She claws one back for the girls teams and we leave with the score tied…



Tim shows Jenny the hood and informs her it’s not as traditional as she may think… Of course not Tim! You live next to two smokin’ hot lesbians trying to start a family and you clearly live in West Hollywood, a hotbed of girly action!


Jenny is a writer and we see the studio Tim has created for her – most likely a place that will soon become a landmark on the map of lezzie lovin’ *wink.*


Bette and Tina visit “Sean Heaney” an artiste type Bette admires for his free use of paint and not for the little swimmers he is donating into a yogurt pot…Hmmm…did we need to hear him jerking off in a cup…probably not…


The girls (and all 0.5 inches of Sean Heaney sperm) travel to the doctor’s office.


Jenny is checking out her new abode and looks across to see Shane and some blonde chick going at it in Bette and Tina’s pool…and we finally see some real lesbo action (as well as four boobs and a little bush…!)


Back with Bette and Tina and we’re at another doctor’s office – only this time I think we’ve crossed over into ER. The Doc goes to check out Sean’s swimmers whilst Bette goes down on Tina – because of course it gives sperm a head start when a laydee is aroused…WTF??!! And we have some more lesbo action, despite Bette (and prob most of the audience) feeling a little weird…


BUT WAIT!! The sperm is no good and the girls are left without an insemination…and Tina without an orgasm…sad times :o(







We join Tina, Alice and Dana back at The Planet, only for Tina to rain on everyone’s parade to announce that she hasn’t been the receiver of Sean’s love juice. It’s NO motility! We find out that Alice is bisexual and why Tina hasn’t gotten pregnant for 6 months…mystery solved!


The girls are joined by Marina and Shane (who screams “dyke!” with the way she dresses) who join forces to fight the legions of evil…oh…no, wait…I mean, to find Bette and Tina a new sperm donor.


Dana is not just “the sporty one” she is a professional tennis player so far back in the closet she is totally having tea with Mr Tumnus in Narnia.




Sounds painful!


Dana “so gay!” Fairbanks spots Jenny walking passed the window and the lesbo cosmos is sliding into place.


Back at Tim’s Jenny does the storyteller bit and recants the tale of when she saw “Bette and Tina” having sex in the pool earlier…we wish! Tim is loving it and of course they get it on…MY EYES, OH MY EYES!! (Where are all the women?! I was promised girl-on-girl!)


We zip over to college to find Tim is the swim coach. We meet Trish “the hot swimmer” and Randy the assistant coach.


Back at The Planet we find the girls discussing the finer points of butt waxing (!) and Alice has had the idea of the century! She will invite all the eligible sperm donors she knows to Bette and Tina’s P.A.R.T...Why?! Because we gotta!...this weekend so that they can go “fishing in the pond” for a man with good love juice…


Tina channels Dr. Phil and gives the most stellar advice on the issue of butt waxing:




Just what I was about to say…how rude!


Next we join Jenny back at the garage…erm…I mean “studio” (how silly of me!) Tina pops out of a bush (not Bette’s) and offers her rosemary – not codeword for “hot lesbian sex…” Jenny however, would love some rosemary…I just bet she would!!


Jenny is confused as to why Tina is trying to have a baby when she and Bette are a couple – when of course we know all lesbians trying to procreate are hunted down by Dog the Bounty Hunter and his craaaaazy wife Beth….duh! Tina (and the gay dad’s group conveniently walking past) help put the record straight…





We then whiz over to see some burly cop pulling over a car driven by…JACKIE BROWN! Erm…Kit Porter! It doesn’t look good for Kit.


At Bette and Tina’s P.A.R.T…(ok, I won’t say it again…) we totally find out that Shane is a player baby! In Bette’s very wise words:



That’s just not nice...bad Shane!!


Jenny and Tim walk into Bette and Tina’s den of all things lesbian, where Tim spots Dana who has to pretend to like boys in front of Mr and Mrs Straight. Field research is being conducted using finger lengths to determine sexuality in which Tim announces he is a lesbian…shhhhh Tim! That’s a storyline for later!


Jenny’s sexuality is of course undetermined…surprise surprise!


Back with the lovely Kit Porter we find out her license has been revoked and she needs to check in with the AA…poor Kit! But she gets let off by the cop because of her musical connections…so it’s all good baby!



At Bette and Tina’s, Harrison, Dana’s doubles partner and pretend lover throws in a few lezzie jokes whilst Bette and Tina peruse the male population in search of top quality man juice!


Alice is totally trying to chat up Jenny before Marina swans over and muscles in on the action. Jenny and Marina go gooey eyed over a mutual love of all things literary and Alice is totally muscled out…



Alice leaves Jenny and Marina alone to go get married because sharing a love of books of course means you’re completely compatible…NOT!!


Bette and Tina are still desperately trying to get some guy to squirt into a cup for them but it’s just not happening.




Kit is dropped off at Bette and Tina’s house in a cop car (oh the shame!) and Marina and Jenny are still going gooey eyed with each other in the queue for the bathroom.


Jenny goes in, closely followed by Marina who grabs her by the breast (ouch!) and starts kissing her against the bathroom wall. Jenny freaks out at this Sapphic encounter and splits post-haste with Tim back to “I love cock” land.


Bette is less than impressed that Kit has shown up and is spinning decks in her kitchen…look it could be worse Bette! You could be turned down by two potential sperm donors…oh wait…that already happened…sorry…


Jenny decides the best way to rid her memory (and mouth) of all things lesbian is to suck Tim off…riiight! He claims they “need to talk” but she can’t…she has her mouth full Tim…RUDE!


We discover back at TiBette’s that Kit is Bette’s half-sister and also an awesome musician. Bette’s gives her lots of disapproving looks before Kit is whisked away for a potential gig…you know this isn’t over Kit!



Bette and Tina’s party has ended and we learn that the girls are minus some love juice…sad day ladies! The guy wiped the floor with out favourite Sapphic couple and we end the game with…



The girls wonder if it’s their pitch (how could these men turn them down…all they asked for was sperm! *Grin*) and Shane dissects the essence of man in no more than 30 seconds…the “new male” is more spiritual and cares what becomes of his seed…Oh right! Now it makes sense!


Leisha Haley delivers our quote of the episode…




Genius! Everyone leaves the party and Bette and Tina lock up the lesbian shop for the night.







Next day we join Tina (who looks MIGHTY fine!) and Dana in spinning class where the instructor is god and rules all…there will be NO talking in her class, only thoughts of how you will change your body in the next 40 minutes…ooookay!


Jenny wonders into the Planet (in search of Marina of course…transparent!) and bumps into Tina, Alice, Dana and Shane. She talks a lot about writing groups and finding her “inner lesbian…*ahem*…voice” until she joins Marina’s “how to be a lesbian” class…ooops…I mean “reading group.”


The girls split knowing full well they’re in the way of this blossoming love, leaving Jenny alone with Marina…in a lesbian café…what could possibly happen?


Bette and Tina are meeting with a potential donor who agrees to sign the donor contract and get squirting away! SUCCESS!! Or is it…


The aptly name Frenchman, Jean-Paul (oh the creative genius!), is confused as to why he needs a cup to get Tina pregnant. Jean-Paul is however obligated to sire a child only though the passionate *grunts* between a man and a woman…


Oh…not gunna work there buddy! And so we have a close second for quote of the episdode…



Trés sexy…NOT!! Back at The Planet, Bette and the girls are laughing at Jean-Paul whilst Tina is less than impressed. We get our first glimpse that all might not be gumdrops, roses and rainbows in the Bette and Tina camp…why, oh why??!!


At casa de Tim, Jenny leaves to go to “Radar” at The Planet…a total lesbo all girl fest. Dana’s eyes are on stalks with all the hot girls around her but she can’t seem to snag any of them. Tina deduces that the reason Shane does so well with all the girls is confidence…but not just any kind of confidence…Shane has the best nipples in town and therefore has…NIPPLE CONFIDENCE! Riiight, well done there girls!


Jenny is uncomfortable at all the talk of nipples and makes a hasty exit from The Planet.







Next day, Marina visits Jenny at her new job with the sexy apron and invites her to the reading group. Jenny agrees as long as it isn’t a lezzie reading group and Marina bum-wiggles it outta there.


At casa de Ported-Kennard things still aren’t all that rosy. Tina is still angry at Bette for making fun of the Jean-Paul incident. Bette has come home early to spend the evening with Tina, but Tina blows her off and goes to the gym…there is definitely a distinct chill in the TiBette household…


Jenny has been at Marina’s reading group and seems to have enjoyed herself, whilst Tina has finished her work out and is being felt up by Little Miss New Boobs Spinning Instructor Dominatrix Extraordinaire. She tells Tina her Latissimus Dorsi is really starting to pop and that she is thinking about seeing some clients selectively…I believe this to be lesbian code for “You look hot in spinning class and I’m checking out your rack in the mirror…let’s get hot and sweaty together…”


I have 3 words for her… “Step off…bitch!” Those Latissmus Dorsi belong to “Power Suit” Porter and no other!


Tina wriggles out of Little Miss New Boob’s clutches and, realising her mistake, runs home to Bette, only to find her KO’ed in bed whilst reading with her glasses all squiffy. (Such a cute scene!)


Next morning Bette agrees to go and see Dr. Dan if it’s what Tina wants. Tina, being a crafty little minx, has already made the appointment…Bette = unimpressed…


Later that evening, Jenny and Tim have their feet firmly in heteroland and are having dinner with Mr and Mrs Randy. But wait…who should walk in but all the girls! (LA is a smaaaaaall world!)


They discuss Marina’s level of hotness and who they fancy. Mrs Randy of course fancies Shane…don’t all straight girls??!! And Jenny leaves the dinner table to follow Marina to the bathroom…


BITCH FIGHT!! Jenny tell Marina she finds her “distracting” (compliment or what??!!) but also wants to see her again….presumably for some hot girl-on-girl *grin*…


Jenny and Tim have a “moment” in which Jenny says she doesn’t know what she’s doing in LA...(Marina I think, in about 10 minutes time!)


Marina calls and they arrange to have “dinner” heh heh!


We join Tina back in Dr. Dan’s office and Bette is late (again!) Bette walks in all happy and tells Tina she’s found the perfect donor, Marcus Allenwood. Tina is understandably a bit pissed considering Bette has made another decision without her and she’s never met Marcus. Bette says she’ll meet him tomorrow when Tina takes him to the cryobank. Dr. Dan looks on with mucho interest at this exchange…Bette is totally in alpha female mode…







Next morning, Tina answers the door to Marcus Allenwood only to see that he is black – something Bette neglected to tell her (naughty Bette!) Tina is a little freaked out, which Marcus spots straight away (how perception of him!) They go to the cryobank so Marcus can freeze his swimmers…ouch!


Later on Bette walks into The Planet looking mighty fine, to see Tina after receiving a vague but urgent message from Alice. Tina is pissed off with Bette about Marcus and says that she doesn’t feel qualified to parent a bi-racial child because she doesn’t know what it means to be black. Bette starts to cry and says she thinks she can make a contribution in that department.


We join the girls with Dr. Dan who points out that Tina’s reaction to Marcus came across to Bette as a rejection of her identity. He concludes that they’re not ready to have children together…damn you Dr. Dan!!


Jenny and Tim have another moment…yawn!...and Bette discovers that Tina is ovulating again. Tina is on the phone to Alice who is inviting her to “Milk” (another hot lesbo girl fest) Bette is giving a talk at the CAC so she turns down the offer….point for Tina! (Support yo woman!)


Bette still upset over the Marcus thing, leaves to visit Kit for some sisterly loving and advice. Kit points out that Bette lets people see what they want to see i.e. denying her heritage in order to get ahead in her life, career etc. Bette, visibly upset, starts to leave, Kit obviously having touched a nerve. We kinda learn that their relationship hasn’t been easy with Kit always walking away – but she tells Bette not to do the same. Kit tells Bette she has so much love in her life and not to turn her back on it all. Bette breaks down and cries whilst Kit comforts her (Lovin’ Kit’s work in this scene!)


Alice and Dana head to Milk without Shane (because they each thought the other was inviting her…duh!) and Bette is giving her talk at the CAC in what can only be described as the HOTTEST outfit of the entire pilot…”Power Suit” Porter at her best!


Tina sits in the audience next some guy who comments on how awesome Bette is. He is totally trying to hit on Tina and tap that!


Meanwhile, Jenny and Marina have been for dinner and spend some time making out on Marina’s terrace. The guy is now hitting on Bette as well as Tina and is clearly trying to see if he can break the world record for number of lesbians “done” in a night…can I hear you say cliché?!


The girls realise they’re being hit on (c’mon girls…bit slow on the uptake there!) and Bette has devised a “Power Suit” Porter Master Plan *cue plan laugh* Muahahahahah! They decide to take a crack at Mr Straight in a threesome so they can steal his man juice…*danger music!*


Back at Milk, Alice, Dana and Shane are checking out the “fresh meat,” “new blood”…




Bette and Tina drive back to their love nest with Mr Motorcycle Straight Dude to commence with the hot lovin’.


We see Jenny and Marina making sweet lurve. It’s really tender and totally all about Marina showing Jenny what she’s been missing living in Heteroville for so long! Jenny looks vulnerable and starts to cry.


Back at Casa de Tibette, the girls are making out whilst Mr Motorcycle gets undressed. He wastes no time in undressing Tina…he gets points for this because we all would do the same! He loses points for saying “Tina, why don’t you make Bette wet” and loses further points for kissing Tina…oh no he didn’t…oh yes he di-id!! Mr Dude wants to “make love” to Bette, but she sorts that out straight away! It will be Tina who has to deal with Mr Dude, not Bette!! Purr-lease…she doesn’t “do” men!


At least he’s considerate and tries to wear a condom, much to the girls’ dismay! Mr Dude leaves (thank god!) and we don’t have to see him trying to work it with the girls….bleurgh!


Jenny arrives home after her Marina encounter and Dana and Alice agree never to have sex with each other… ‘cause we all know how well that works out!! *Grin*


We go back to Casa de TiBette who are discussing Bette’s “genius” plan…erm…*cough!*…ok, whatever you say Tina! Bette asks if Tina was turned on by He Who Shall Not Be Named, and Tina shows Bette that it was her that turned her on, not him. (Hot, hot, hot!)


Jenny returns home to a sleeping Tim and breaks down crying. He comments that she smells different…course she does! She smells like she’s been having mad animal sex with Marina all night! Fool…


Back at Alice’s place, she shows Dana how she can link all lesbians together…and ladies…I give you THE CHART! Alice has a whole chart of lesbian love connections all over her wall in which we can see that Shane is clearly the lesbian love god of West Hollywood.


Back at TiBette’s place they’re making sweet love! It’s truly amazing how we never see Jennifer Beals’ incredibly secret breasts…a well placed hand goes a looooong way with ol’ Beals-y! *Grin* Laurel however, has no such clause in her contract and we just watch that girl go!


Tina tells Bette she is “so lucky” to have her, and they manage to reconnect and rekindle their passion for one another. The scene is full of passion and it’s already clear how amazing JB and LuH work together…bravo girls!


The next morning Jenny regrets the Marina incident and Tim proposes…not the best timing ever! Bette and Tina are making googly eyes at each other in the garden when Shane walks best obviously on her way home. She’s wearing what can only be described as leather nipple covers and leather pants clearly painted on…fashion sense does not exists in this part of Hollywood!


Credits roll and we are outta there!